Her Mom Would Have Sung It Differently...

Does your belly hang low?
Does it wobble to and fro?
Can you tie it in a knot?
Can you tie it in a bow?
Can you throw it o'er your shoulder
Like an oxygen tank holder?
Does your belly hang low?

Does your coot hang high?
Does it reach up to the sky?
Does it wrinkle when it's wet?
Does it straighten when it's dry?
Can you wave it at your neighbor
With an element of flavor?
Does your coot hang high?

Do your tits hang wide?
Do they flap from side to side?
Do they wave in the breeze
From the slightest little sneeze?
Can they feed a hungry whale
And still live to tell the tale?
Do your tits hang wide?

Liberty or Hamburgers

For the fifth year in a row the rotund state of Mississippi has earned the honor of being the countries fattest state. "We couldn't be happier," stated morbidly obese resident Bart Blue, who bears a striking resemblance to former quasi-retarded WWF legend 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan. And with our country's independence day looming, citizens of Mississippi are looking to pack on the pounds. "We're planning a fancy cookout with Grandma bringing the pig. I'll be shitting pork for the next week! These stars don't run baby!" continued Blue whose barbeque stained fingers clutched a confederate flag. The rising obesity rate has become a matter of national concern, but the 32% rate in Mississippi is particularly alarming. Republican Governor Haly Barbour, in an attempt to diffuse the concern, released the following statement: "This great nation of ours was founded by fat people: Benjamin Franklin, William Howard Taft, and Anna Nicole Smith. Also...Fuck communism." Nutritionists believe that the problems with food may run deeper than an inability for self-control. World renowned personal trainer and the flamboyant inventor of the Gazelle, Tony Little, was recently seen on HSN (Home Shopping Network) waxing philosophical on this very issue. "First thing we need to do is increase literacy in Mississippi. If people are able to read the labels on fatty products, that might slow the growth of obesity." Whether the problem relates to education or to simple over-eating one thing is for sure, when it comes to obesity-- pride is on the line. As Mr. Blue eloquently summed up, "As long as I'm alive, Mississippi will hold the fat crown. So fuck you Missouri!"

Dove Does the Math... Fat People Use More Soap.

At 1200 lbs Manuel Uribe could only dream of being normal but now having lost 500 of those oppressive pounds, Uribe dares to dream once more. With the help of Dove soap Uribe, still the world's fattest man, is realizing those dreams. "I used to look at the paper and think, if only I can be people normal like these people... that was until I saw the Dove soap girls and realized that finally, there were people in the world who looked just like me." Uribe is the latest member of Dove's controversial advertisement team that is aimed at attracting more ample 'real' women. It wasn't an easy path for the 44 year old Uribe, however, as he still had several hoops that he needed to proverbially jump through before officially joining the crew. First off, the team is an all female troupe and it took some convincing before Dove's marketing execs would accept Uribe's 'mangina'. "Upon close examination" stated one Dove executive, "it was determined that Mr. Uribe's crotch had ceased housing a penis a long time ago." Also challenging was the mandatory EE cup bra size, required of all 'normal' team members. Originally a disappointed Uribe fell just short but after a hearty breakfast of several tacos, 4 cornish hens, and a vat of refried beans, Uribe was able to pass. "The townspeople used to stare at my enormous breasts, but now they can stare at them on TV!" exclaimed an excited Uribe. Since directing their product at normal/fat people, Dove's sales have increased by 0.2%. That doesn't mean that the popular soap is without its detractors. First year marketing student Dennis Flamme criticized the new strategy: "While fat people do have more surface area and are traditionally more sweaty, they also have a tendency to be less hygienic, hence the marginal sales increase." Nevertheless, there are those close to the Dove camp who are more then willing to espouse the virtues of the groundbreaking campaign. Original Dove Team member and former factory worker, Maria Consuela Fuentes Deportes Ortiz (above left) beamed with pride for her work: "Back when I used 2 bars of generic soap I would scrub and scrub and yet still feel dirty. But with Dove, I only use one and a half bars and the dried up semen and blood washes right off leaving me to feel normal like everyone else." Uribe echoed the sentiment adding: "I love Dove so much I have added it to my diet, so that I can feel normal on the inside as well!"

All American Girl

Political activist and legendary founder of American Girl Dolls, Pleasant Rowley, passed away this afternoon at the age of 54. Ms. Rowley (above right) was an inspiration to the most recent generation of less than perfect young women, whose mothers had been weaned on the ideals set forth by rival doll maker Mattel's Barbie. Ms. Rowley, the daughter of a Las Vegas street hooker and fast food mogul Dave Thomas, sought to create a doll that focused on women's contributions throughout time. Although limited by the subject, Ms. Rowley still managed to make some notable contributions to the franchise. Her greatest designs include, but are not limited to: 19th century Belgian Waffle Girl, Baby Boomer Drive-in Roller skating waitress girl, Butchy the 70's Roller Derby Girl, and 'Chocolate' Brown Girl (created after Hugh Grant's tryst with the now infamous call girl Divine Brown). In recent years Ms. Rowland's battle with a thyroid condition forced her to take a less active role in the direction of the company. Friends say that as her condition worsened she became more reclusive, avoided stairs, and would often times ride the subway for hours at a time offering to do makeup for random passengers. Ms. Rowland was found dead in her bed yesterday morning, clutching a box of Krspy Kreme Doughnuts, season one of the popular 90's sitcom Blossom, and a prototype for the never developed Stretch 'Gina Girl doll (above left). Services will be held at Peek funeral home in Pasadena, CA. The family requests that donations be made to Transesex, a transexual support orginazation that Ms. Rowley favored. She is survived by her 11 cats, all named Pepper.

Girl Struggles With Oversized Pussy

The pressures of puberty can be difficult for any 'emerging' teenager but for Alabama freshman, Amy LeFardo, enough is enough. 'It hurts', says a visibly shaken LeFardo,"People think that when you have a pussy this size that it doesn't... but it hurts... just like everyone else." Weighing in at 53lbs and measuring slightly over 24 inches long, LeFardo's pussy is the largest in the United States, and people are taking notice. "People will laugh at her, tell me she is fat, that she is hairy, or worse yet they'll scream from across the street 'How do you play with that pussy!?' It is hard." Local police, who have acquainted themselves with LeFardo's case, suspect that the young red haired LeFardo might be taking some extra heat due to her pussy's more unusual orange coloring. Research shows that orange/red pussies constitute only 5% of the population. But neighbors maintain that coloring isn't an issue. "You got a red haired girl whose pussy matches, well that is just fine by me. I just can't help but staring, you know... I mean the size of that pussy. I haven't seen a pussy that stuffed in years!" exclaimed one local who requested to go unnamed. Others are genuinely fearful of the long-term repercussions. Dr. Susan Todd, a local veterinarian and certified OBGYN stated that, "A pussy of that size just shows all the hallmarks of neglect, which can lead to a myriad of other health issues: diabetes, heart problems, and an inhibited libido." Nevertheless, when it comes to her pussy LeFardo has no shortage of love: "I clean her, play with her, and take her everywhere I go. I can't help it if she is fat, that is just the way God made her." And if there is a direct correlation between size and love, then God must love this pussy.

A Shake for Breakfast, a Shake for lunch, and...

Having recently lost her position as spokesman for weight-loss giant Jenny Craig, Kirstie Alley has turned to another dieting fad for help. Joining the likes of fellow celebrity philanthropists Sally Struthers, Rosie O'Donell, and Oprah, Kirstie seeks to help kids who can't help themselves by teaming up with noted relief organization Save the Children for their new 'A Child A Day Keeps the Doctor Away' campaign. Kirstie's pledge to eat one small child every day, not only helps to shed the pounds but decreases the much maligned 'surplus population' enabling others to avail themselves of the world's already depleted resources. The diet is simple and easy to follow. A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a small (emphasis on small ladies) child for dinner. To see quicker results, one can carry their dinner around with them during the day (as Kirstie demonstrates here). If the child is small enough they will easily fit into an oversized pleather bag, and with the help of their additional weight you will burn those pesky calories. In the latest addition of US Weekly Kirstie shared some tips with her fans, "The key with any diet is diversity. Sticking to the same ol' meal makes you bored and we all know what happens when you are bored. My meals have more color than Madonna's and Angelina's families put together. Remember this isn't just about losing weight, this is about making a lifestyle change." As for Kirstie's future plans, the plus size actress and former model suggested a break from the hustle and bustle of celebrity might be in order: "I've always wanted to see Ethiopia."

Beluga Whales found to be Red Sox fans

Due to their sporadic distribution in the wild, Belugas are a very rare and under-appreciated mammal. In fact, the Beluga is an incredibly shy and delicate creature that for centuries has flown under the radar of scientists and naturalists alike. That is why marine biologists at San Francisco's Aquarium of the Bay, are particularly fascinated with their latest discovery. The seven-month-old beluga whale who biologists are calling 'Pink', an homage to the once trendy pop star, believe that the coloring of this unique specimen is a function of evolution. While called a myth by former beleaguered MLB player Carl Everett, scientists believe that evolution is nature's practical way of protecting these endangered animals by camouflaging them. 'Pink's' unusually garish pink markings would theoretically provide protection in the wild by allowing her to blend in with the surrounding choral. The flamboyant color has also found a home with gay men, who have recently adopted Bruce the Bisexual Beluga as the official web-logo of the controversial organization MMFM (More Men for Men).

Recent analysis of the creature has shown that despite the longtime myth that Belugas, whose proximity to Alaska suggest a Pacific coast affiliation, are in fact die hard Red Sox fans. When asked who her favorite Red Sox player of all time is, 'Pink' responded Pokey Reese, who coincidentally went missing while vacationing on St. Lawrence Island. With the 2009 Red Sox currently in first place, majority owner and NRA member John Henry has stepped up security by hiring mercenary Connecticut Whalers to patrol the waters of Buzzards Bay. Henry, who could not otherwise be reached for comment, recently 'tweeted': 'The curse of the Beluga? Not on my watch."