For the fifth year in a row the rotund state of Mississippi has earned the honor of being the countries fattest state. "We couldn't be happier," stated morbidly obese resident Bart Blue, who bears a striking resemblance to former quasi-retarded WWF legend 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan. And with our country's independence day looming, citizens of Mississippi are looking to pack on the pounds. "We're planning a fancy cookout with Grandma bringing the pig. I'll be shitting pork for the next week! These stars don't run baby!" continued Blue whose barbeque stained fingers clutched a confederate flag. The rising obesity rate has become a matter of national concern, but the 32% rate in Mississippi is particularly alarming. Republican Governor Haly Barbour, in an attempt to diffuse the concern, released the following statement: "This great nation of ours was founded by fat people: Benjamin Franklin, William Howard Taft, and Anna Nicole Smith. Also...Fuck communism." Nutritionists believe that the problems with food may run deeper than an inability for self-control. World renowned personal trainer and the flamboyant inventor of the Gazelle, Tony Little, was recently seen on HSN (Home Shopping Network) waxing philosophical on this very issue. "First thing we need to do is increase literacy in Mississippi. If people are able to read the labels on fatty products, that might slow the growth of obesity." Whether the problem relates to education or to simple over-eating one thing is for sure, when it comes to obesity-- pride is on the line. As Mr. Blue eloquently summed up, "As long as I'm alive, Mississippi will hold the fat crown. So fuck you Missouri!"
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Liberty or Hamburgers
For the fifth year in a row the rotund state of Mississippi has earned the honor of being the countries fattest state. "We couldn't be happier," stated morbidly obese resident Bart Blue, who bears a striking resemblance to former quasi-retarded WWF legend 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan. And with our country's independence day looming, citizens of Mississippi are looking to pack on the pounds. "We're planning a fancy cookout with Grandma bringing the pig. I'll be shitting pork for the next week! These stars don't run baby!" continued Blue whose barbeque stained fingers clutched a confederate flag. The rising obesity rate has become a matter of national concern, but the 32% rate in Mississippi is particularly alarming. Republican Governor Haly Barbour, in an attempt to diffuse the concern, released the following statement: "This great nation of ours was founded by fat people: Benjamin Franklin, William Howard Taft, and Anna Nicole Smith. Also...Fuck communism." Nutritionists believe that the problems with food may run deeper than an inability for self-control. World renowned personal trainer and the flamboyant inventor of the Gazelle, Tony Little, was recently seen on HSN (Home Shopping Network) waxing philosophical on this very issue. "First thing we need to do is increase literacy in Mississippi. If people are able to read the labels on fatty products, that might slow the growth of obesity." Whether the problem relates to education or to simple over-eating one thing is for sure, when it comes to obesity-- pride is on the line. As Mr. Blue eloquently summed up, "As long as I'm alive, Mississippi will hold the fat crown. So fuck you Missouri!"
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