Dove Does the Math... Fat People Use More Soap.

At 1200 lbs Manuel Uribe could only dream of being normal but now having lost 500 of those oppressive pounds, Uribe dares to dream once more. With the help of Dove soap Uribe, still the world's fattest man, is realizing those dreams. "I used to look at the paper and think, if only I can be people normal like these people... that was until I saw the Dove soap girls and realized that finally, there were people in the world who looked just like me." Uribe is the latest member of Dove's controversial advertisement team that is aimed at attracting more ample 'real' women. It wasn't an easy path for the 44 year old Uribe, however, as he still had several hoops that he needed to proverbially jump through before officially joining the crew. First off, the team is an all female troupe and it took some convincing before Dove's marketing execs would accept Uribe's 'mangina'. "Upon close examination" stated one Dove executive, "it was determined that Mr. Uribe's crotch had ceased housing a penis a long time ago." Also challenging was the mandatory EE cup bra size, required of all 'normal' team members. Originally a disappointed Uribe fell just short but after a hearty breakfast of several tacos, 4 cornish hens, and a vat of refried beans, Uribe was able to pass. "The townspeople used to stare at my enormous breasts, but now they can stare at them on TV!" exclaimed an excited Uribe. Since directing their product at normal/fat people, Dove's sales have increased by 0.2%. That doesn't mean that the popular soap is without its detractors. First year marketing student Dennis Flamme criticized the new strategy: "While fat people do have more surface area and are traditionally more sweaty, they also have a tendency to be less hygienic, hence the marginal sales increase." Nevertheless, there are those close to the Dove camp who are more then willing to espouse the virtues of the groundbreaking campaign. Original Dove Team member and former factory worker, Maria Consuela Fuentes Deportes Ortiz (above left) beamed with pride for her work: "Back when I used 2 bars of generic soap I would scrub and scrub and yet still feel dirty. But with Dove, I only use one and a half bars and the dried up semen and blood washes right off leaving me to feel normal like everyone else." Uribe echoed the sentiment adding: "I love Dove so much I have added it to my diet, so that I can feel normal on the inside as well!"